I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
True college students do jello shots in the library
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