Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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