We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
