Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
