I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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