There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
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Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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