How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
