Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
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fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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