It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
