Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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