Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The dick lei will go down in squad history
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
