So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Vodka?
Forever.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
