I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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