toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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