can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
