Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
