What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
