She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Send help, water and tortillas.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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