Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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