you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
