You're a womanizer and a bitch.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
