Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
that is very illegal...i love you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
