he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
