I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
