just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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