Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
