i can't believe i had my finger in that
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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