Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
