so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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