I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
he puts the penis in happiness.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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