I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
