dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
