I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
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