I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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