It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
