My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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