When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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