There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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