i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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