We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
