Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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