Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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