he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
