I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
