so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
