Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
