I accidentally had phone sex last night
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
