Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
