So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
