Barsexuality is the new black.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
