When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
