Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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