I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
