theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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