i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize