I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
