hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
