He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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