Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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