$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
