i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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