he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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