she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
